Who's controlling the reins?

I lay in bed and succumbed. I succumbed to the human being I am and let my heart control the reins for a while. My head has had it for far too long. Although brisk and stern, when it is control, I feel rather left out of the equation. I feel desensitised. That’s why I had to succumb that night, succumb to the human being I am and let it all out.

I can’t remember the last time I cried so hard over what I still cannot point a finger at. I cannot remember the time I consciously felt to call in reserves of tears for I felt they would lessen after every drop. I cannot remember the last time I felt as less of a human as I did that night. It was dark and the darkness matched what my heart felt that day.

It was to my only Friend I called upon. It was to my Protector I sought help from. It was to the All-Hearing I complained to. It was to the Generous I asked of. It was the Loving I sought comfort in. It was to the Forbearing I repented to. It was to the Just I asked my rights of. It was to the Acceptor of prayers I supplicated to.

That night, it was me that I had become. In between taking turns in controlling the reins, I leaned to my heart controlling them for what had seemed an eternity. It was during that moment, I felt a strange sense of calm in all that despair. A paradox, possibly. A reality, it sure felt like. The heart, when listened to, takes you to places your head doesn’t imagine entering for the woes that surround it. But, the heart, it is that silent warrior, the warrior fearless to enter where needed, if it summoned by the caller, you.

Confusion. An awful state to be in, confusion is. Forget taking control, both the head and the heart have lost grip of the reins. Neither of them wants to return to the state of clarity that existed before. Both head and heart have deserted you and left you to fend for yourself. Now , do you see why I wept that night for what seemed eternity. It was confusion , I felt. Complete and utter confusion. I was waiting for control to return. I wanted the heart to take control but I couldn’t care less as long as I wasn’t exposed to that awful state I wouldn’t wish on my enemy.

Finally, it came. And , you can guess who came to save the day. I suppose it is testament to what human nature is more inclined to for it was the heart that saved the day ( or night). It was the heart that realised its duty after momentary neglect. It was the heart that realised that sometimes, the head needed a break. It was the heart that realised that , at times, the person needed a break from being controlled by that steely soldier. My heart realised its duties to me and restored what was needed, hope.

So, that night, in between weeps and calls to my Lord, I felt something strange happening. It was the ever-increasing force of a warrior that was on its path to protect what was human with all the softness of a companion relieving their dearest of harm. That night, it was my heart that came to the rescue.

Salamu alaykum.